Confessions

lets see what i can name off.

1. i can't just walk around like a normal person, dance is apart of my step. everywhere.
2. i'm insecure with boys and usually need reassurance.
3. i LOVE planning! months & years in advance xD
4. i can't retell a joke without failing :(
5. i'll shave my head without a second thought because it's what I want.
6. i'm confident and insecure AT the same time :O
7. i believe in magic & 11:11. (ooohhh never believe its not soo..)
8. i could watch the step up, harry potter & nicolas sparks movies any day erryday.
9. i don't have smooth breakups.
10. i love reading
11. i need to realize i don't need everyone's approval & love to be happy.
12. i couldn't say ambulance right til i was 13. i said "ambleeance"
13. i am a jealous person, i know it's an ugly trait, i just can't help it tho. 
14. i can't watch fat people eat.. (probably goin to hell?)
15. i'm still afraid to walk alone most days even tho i carry pepper spray.
16. i have anxiety
17. i fell in love with a boy at 14 who moved 1000 miles away. 
18. i thought til last year my parents should still be married, they got divorced when i was like 5. 10 years later, i finally realized its for the best. 
19. i'm terrified of awkwardness, which makes me the most awkward person ever?
20. i love psychology.
21. i believe things are meant to be.
22. i have a fear of abandonment, butterflies, heights, ladybugs, fish, talking on phones..
23. i dont like showers. but dont worry,, i take them

First Crush.

Everyone has a first crush, mine happens to be in first grade to my neighbour. It all seemed so innocent back when we were 7. Sneaking, kissing under picnic tables because it was if getting caught kissing was like getting caught in bed having sex. As if we knew what that was too. We were good together, In the younger years we were always together, hanging with at each others house and stuff. For some reason, not like most 7 year olds, we dated off and on until grade 8. so 8 years of dating for a couple of elementary students is pretty crazy. Though it was like 2 or 3 times each year, sometimes for a week sometimes for months. we were kids. Now in grade 11, he's a popular kid, I don't know what I am, but we talk once in a blue moon. We will never date again, mostly because i can't trust him and other than that we've tried too many times. Though i'll always love him in the way that he's my childhood friend, I've grown up a bit now and i'm leaving that in the past.

One event that changed my life.

One of the events that changed my life, consisted of a boy and I’ve tried forever to get someone to understand. To understand my pain in a way that doesn’t sound so crazy. People see it from a logical side only and that is to say “just move on..” But i can’t. It’s not that simple. I’ve also realized I will never have the right words to write this, so I’ll just spill it. 

To explain this right, you have to be in my shoes. So i’m a girl obviously, and I’m going to put it from my point of you. If you’re a guy, change it up. 

It was like having someone who's your perfect prince. Perfect. I was only 14 turning 15. Right off the bat you would roll your eyes, say there’s plenty of fish in the sea, more cliches and move on. But you must see it from my point of view. I’ve also believed love doesn’t have an age. Its not like you turn 18 and BAM that’s the age you can fall in love.

That said, This perfect prince, is someone that is always there for you. That tells you sweet things. Helps you when you’re down and y’know when they're there, you know everything is gonna be alright. You know they’d do anything for you, and they care about you more than themselves. They’re laugh is sweet, they’re passionate about what they believe in. They’re smart as a whip and knows you better than yourself with a knowledge of psychology. They’re so funny and talkative. Charming and sure they bragged but you were sure they were trying to impress you. They’re a badass as well. And like a badass or not.. I did. He did get in trouble with cops and more but you knew they were a good person all around. They made bad choices but which human doesn’t? He even told you before you started dating that he’s insane. You wouldn’t hear of it because well that’s just crazy, and he’s perfect to you And even through their troubles, they still just wanted to simply hold your hand, and make sure you know you’re beautiful. I mean this was the first guy you felt butterflies for. You looked into their bright blue eyes and could hardly breathe.  They would all tell you it’s puppy love, but you’re naive. It’s more than that. 

You're totally in love.

Then after everything, they tell you they're moving to British Columbia. 

1000 miles away... 1000!!!!!

They try to stay in your small town to be with you, they say they’ll find a place, or bunk in a friend’s garage. But you know very well you have to let them go because you know a 14 old can’t survive across the country alone. The winters are harsh, they have no family, love might not last forever and this is just ridiculous. So you tell them they have to go to be with their family. 1000 MILES AWAY. 

Then they leave you.. you mean to get together to say goodbye. They didn’t call you, so you walk across town to their house. They’re not home. You search the whole fucking town with a friend of yours and a box of memories to give him. And finally your mom picks you up because you can’t stay out that late. And you cry. You cry so damn hard because you will Never see them again. So you get home, and close the door. What can make things worse? Your friend texts you to say she found him 10 minutes after you left, he was searching for you. She gives him the box and he cries for you. But his parents are too mean to let him out again to see you. So he leaves without a real goodbye. Sure you text and say you’ll always be there for each other, you want to stay together when they’re away but You Never get to say goodbye. 

You have to go to school the next day and it doesn’t hit you right away. You can’t accept the fact they’re gone. So a couple days later, someone decides to be a dick. They say, “Where’s you’re boyfriend? Oh thats right, he’s not here, and never coming back.” And you want to hate them for saying that, but all they did was tell you the truth you’ve needed to hear. And you break down right there because it hits you so hard like a brick to the gut and you fall. You can’t stop crying and it hurts so bad. You start feeling depressed, and you know somethings missing, he’s missing. You can't handle shit anymore, everything makes you cry. you cant do anything with out the reminder of that person. It’s like every time someone dashes across the street, you remember when he did that as a game, or going to ‘Dollarama’ and how you used to do that for some chocolate bars. Going to the beach and crying because thats where you went on your first date. 

They try and keep in touch, but they're drifting, falling into drugs and you hate yourself for letting them leave, because eh, they'd probably do a better job of survival if they never left. So you hate yourself and you're depressed because you can’t do anything about it. You start to cut yourself, and you don’t want to go out. After months you know you need help, carvings into your legs are so deep and tragic so you tell your mother. And she cries because she feels like she did something wrong because she never saw the signs but for the next couple months she takes you to counseling. 

You finally think you’re through it, there’s good people helping you and you can do fine on your own. But its not fine because then they change. They decide to cheat on you, which i guess is expected being so far away. But they don’t just cut you off and forget you.  

No, they have to start telling you that you didn’t try and help. You let them go. 

You can’t do anything right, and they can’t understand why you still love them because they're never coming back. They never even really considered coming back and they think you're pathetic for believing them. You feel hurt, because all you’re doing is trying to cling to them and they’re throwing verbal abuse at you to the extreme. 

Then months later, they apologize, tell you they're doing worse. Drugs have hurt them, they don't want to live anymore. They say that things are rough, their parents want them out, the trips on drugs hurt them so bad they can’t handle shit themself. But they say they’re sorry, they just wanted you to move on before and thats why they used abusive words. They really love you and you cry because u don’t want them to die, you're still in love with them. You beg them not to kill themselves. And once again, they say goodbye.. for good. 

2 weeks.

2 weeks of believing they’re dead. You cut yourself again. Dreading the rest of your own life, I mean before counseling, the only thing that kept you there was the guilt you’d feel because your family would miss you. You cut and cry every day. 

You find out it was a lie. 

It was all a lie.

He didn’t really love you.

They just simply don’t want you in their life.

& there's more verbal abuse, way more.

You can't even stand yourself because you can't be someone they love

You can’t stand them but they make you hate yourself.

You want to hate them. But it’s impossible. You’re so naive and you remember the days of love still like it was yesterday. You remember the prince charming. The one who would die for you, is just wanting you to kill yourself. 

You remember how much he loved psychology and you decide to get into that. You interesting and now a year and a half after he left, you realize something.

Through your research you go back to words he said... He said he was insane didn’t he? Now he seemed like it.. 

He was outgoing, charming, smooth, engaging, he bragged. He had a need for thrill, was risky and got caught by the police. Through the time he left til this time, I realized all he did was lie. Though when i confronted him on his lying he denied it, wouldn’t take responsibility for it. He was manipulative and didn’t think twice about breaking my heart. He didn’t give a shit that i cried thinking he was dead. He had anger problems, i knew that before we started dating and he had stolen stuff, vandalized, bullied and more. Now when I said he was the perfect prince, he really was, to me. The way he acted towards me at the time. I believed these problems could be changed and i see good in everyone. 

But myself being naive, I overlooked what all of these characteristics showed. The characteristics of a psychopath. An ‘extreme psychopath’ to be exact in diagnoses. 

It all made sense now. The feeling of complete betrayal. Fear of what could’ve been. The fact that he made me want to kill myself after he left, all sank in. I didn’t go back to cutting, I didn’t feel depressed. I felt hurt, but had moved on. I guess I’d always been in love with him but knew then it wasn’t the same back. There is no changing him back. There was no more trying. I could even forgive him for hurting me, I could still love who he was, but It wasn’t even really him. 

It’s been almost 2 years without him. I’ll be 16 soon, and I’ve had other boyfriends. They’ve all been in a way like him, I guess that should change. He recently contacted me and I don’t think I can really talk to him now that I think about it. We were never just friends. We can never be just friends. But even through allll of this. I cant let go. It's like impossible.

Should I Stay or Should I Go

Have you ever had the thought that you could get over someone if they just weren't around? But then you really want them around.. Even if they're not directly in front of you. I mean they could be on Facebook and all you think is, I really wish they'd talk to me, then you get thrown back into memories and shit. Though if they never went on, sure you could distract yourself, but you wouldn't like that either. I'd want that person on, just because I have hopes that they would talk to me at that very time. It's ridiculous I know.. But eh, i'm 15.