Eating Disorder In The Dark

I was watching Intervention Canada today. there was girl on there with an eating disorder just like the one i used to have. though i don't really believe it ever fully goes away. the girl really got the message across of how it feels to have that disorder. other people who don't understand just say eat. but its like a split personality in your head. you're like eat, i don't want this anymore, i'm ill, i need to eat. and the other side is like, be skinnier than her, if you don't eat it's an accomplishment, if you don't eat you'll be happy. and you become so stressed and depressed with the fight, its so much to handle. it has been 3-4 years since i was fully into the disorder, since i cried on the kitchen floor wanting to eat, since i was over the toilet trying to throw up everything inside of me. like i said it never fully goes away.. i watched this show, with her parents crying and begging telling her she would die  and i couldn't help but envy her. i mean she had the strength to get that skinny. i've never had that strength. i was just depressed and hungry, consumed with the thoughts but my willpower was never enough. starving one day, eating the next, starving again. i remember always saying to myself "its simple, don't eat for only 2 days and you'll be skinny and then you can snack and continue no big deal. how hard is it to just not eat?" it is hard and i always kicked myself for giving in. i'm big on control and since i had anxiety, this was one thing i could control and i didn't fear it, there's no fear in being skinny in my mind. i wish i continued with it longer, dealing with it for a year did nothing. now i'm average size, still wishing i was skinny. and every time i think of throwing up or starving, i think go and exercise but it takes so long. im falling back into it.
i won't ever tell my mom or anyone this now. i'm too ashamed or they don't understand or they don't believe me. i'd feel ashamed telling people & they wouldn't understand and my mom wouldn't believe me. she's always seen me as a drama queen, but she'll never get it.

Enlisting.

My boyfriend is enlisting in the Canadian Army next year. To say I'm worried would be a lie. I know people would think, oh my gosh what about time apart, what if something happens?! I'm not worried. He's been working at going into the army for a long ass time.
He works out daily, can run 8 km without stopping, with built like a tank, 6'4 and is specially trained with self defence. He goes to cadets every week and has been for a long time too. I'm not worried about his safety.
I'm also not worried about him being away. I know it would suck. But i don't believe it'll be hard. I can wait for him, I know it. And unless he turns gay, i shouldn't have to worry about him being surrounded by men.
I'm actually happy for him, he's wanted this ever since I can remember and I've known him since grade 1. I'm proud he's worked this hard, and i'm glad he'll be able to live his dream and serve :)