I was watching Intervention Canada today. there was girl on there with an eating disorder just like the one i used to have. though i don't really believe it ever fully goes away. the girl really got the message across of how it feels to have that disorder. other people who don't understand just say eat. but its like a split personality in your head. you're like eat, i don't want this anymore, i'm ill, i need to eat. and the other side is like, be skinnier than her, if you don't eat it's an accomplishment, if you don't eat you'll be happy. and you become so stressed and depressed with the fight, its so much to handle. it has been 3-4 years since i was fully into the disorder, since i cried on the kitchen floor wanting to eat, since i was over the toilet trying to throw up everything inside of me. like i said it never fully goes away.. i watched this show, with her parents crying and begging telling her she would die and i couldn't help but envy her. i mean she had the strength to get that skinny. i've never had that strength. i was just depressed and hungry, consumed with the thoughts but my willpower was never enough. starving one day, eating the next, starving again. i remember always saying to myself "its simple, don't eat for only 2 days and you'll be skinny and then you can snack and continue no big deal. how hard is it to just not eat?" it is hard and i always kicked myself for giving in. i'm big on control and since i had anxiety, this was one thing i could control and i didn't fear it, there's no fear in being skinny in my mind. i wish i continued with it longer, dealing with it for a year did nothing. now i'm average size, still wishing i was skinny. and every time i think of throwing up or starving, i think go and exercise but it takes so long. im falling back into it.
i won't ever tell my mom or anyone this now. i'm too ashamed or they don't understand or they don't believe me. i'd feel ashamed telling people & they wouldn't understand and my mom wouldn't believe me. she's always seen me as a drama queen, but she'll never get it.
dont think about how long it takes to exercise.... exercise for 10 minutes and be done with it. go for a walk and turn on your favorite song on your headphones and retrieve some positive thoughts back into your head. music for me is powerful in changing my emotions and stops me from poor choices. i know it sounds silly but think of those things that come into your life that suddenly make you feel like the sky is the limit! i love moments like those! KEEP THOSE AROUND... EVERYDAY!
ReplyDeleteone last thing - i have trouble talking to my mom about anything going on in my life... i go to a counselor. its the best thing i've ever done. i get to talk about whatever i want without judgement. i get insightful information. if thats not your thing or you dont want to pay for it...the best thing you're doing right now is WRITING about it. Keep writing about it. I just went to someone who told me that there is a study done over and over again that people who write about things in their life actually lead happier, healthier lives rather than those who dont. :)
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